feels like tonight

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

truely do i look happier lately?
i mean i do feel better for these past days. better than i had ever felt as compared to the past weeks or months.
theres so much whys, what ifs and hows, that are actually haunting me whenever i think of u and the past we shared.
maybe it doesnt matter to u that things were nv the same again.
but i know i miss u real bad.
maybe it is not evidence cos i dun sms u as frequent and the contents of the smses are not exactly the same as in the past.
hostility.
but they were nutured from fear.
fear of getting hurt again. fear of expecting. fear of the disapppointments that come promptly after.
fear that i will fall deeper. fear that i will be crushed once more. fear that i was right that u will nv be ilw me.
fear of knowing certain facts.
maybe i was just a substitute to get over that particular someone.

but u cant weigh the amount of love one have for u just by the actions u see.
yes actions do play a part sometimes.
once in class, my friend defined love as an action.
its the action that can actually show how much u love someone n how it further develops into sometime more genuine.
i did all that.
i showered u with love.
i did so much for u...and i nv expected anything in return.
but u still gave me somethings in return.
n i begin to expect more.
now i fear.........so much so much.

truely when i said i do not know what i want...its all bullshit.
cos i know my deepest desire my starving needs.
U
but i dun think its mutual. it nv had been.
as much as i hate to admit that....
i guess it was nv mutual.
u do not need me i guess.
ARGH.
i feel dumb i feel naive n gullible to believe that u will actually love me the way i loved u...
but i guess i actually deserved the consequences for being self delusional.
the answer was darn obvious that i was nv the one that u r ilw.
but why cant i just move on?
if only .....
if only...
there are just too many if onlys that i hoped to change.
but whats done is done.

i am tempted to club. flirt. drink.
drown my sorrows drown my pain.
fogged up all those memories.

i need DISTRACTIONS!!