Thursday, June 23, 2011
its 1.27 am and here i'm sitting in the living room eating the leftovers of what my parents had cooked this morning, fearing that I will lose the opportunity to.
My perpetual fear of being infected with STD is getting the better of me.
If indeed I did get infected, I know theres noone to blame but myself.
Im been running away from all my problems, afraid to face up and to tackle it. And all of these escaping only makes me a shadow of who I was before. I have so much issues.
And I want to apologise to everyone whom i've hurt for being less of a friend or appearing aloof and oblivion to everything around me.
I have no idea why im overwhelmed by this loneliness and emptiness right now.
Ive learnt to stop talking to anyone properly, anything regarding my emotions. Ive learnt to just closed up, and just head to bed when these pangs of emo-ness hits me. But tonight, it seems like I cant just sleep it away. And here I am, deciding to spend this time to blog as i eat the leftovers in the empty house.
I think ive never accepted the fact that my parents couldnt accept me for who i am. And its getting tiring to not be able to talk about it. I dunno how else to vent this frustration.
And knowing that no gay relationship will every work out isn't giving me any form of comfort.
Ive stopped hoping to find 'the one'.
Ive witnessed too many 'it' Couples that I once envied ending up with less than positive outcome.
5 years; outcome: break up, 8 years; outcome: break up, 9 years; outcome: open relationship, 10 years: open relationship...
How not to be jaded.
And this void and emptiness i feel stem from this hopelessness.
Since theres isnt any hope of settling down with anyone, I adopted the easy way out: to join the fun and open category.
My obsession with grindr is because of this perpetual void. I want to feel worthy, to feel wanted, to feel good about who i am. but ironically, im making myself less of a worthy person, a less desirable being.
I know it isnt right.
But when theres noone whom u can talk to, noone who understands, noone who dun judge u, u just succumb to adopt a skewed moral compass to run away.
The reason why Ive stopped making the effort to organise outings with friends that meant so much to me is because of my constant need to feel worthy and wanted by people of the same orientation.
Its tiring to be the sentimental, caring, sensitive friend when its under-appreciated or unreciprocated.
And I end up looking for the wrong people at the wrong places for the wrong kind of attention and worth.
Im sorry i haven been a good friend, a good student, a good brother and a good son.
I know ive made so many fucking mistakes.
I hope some day, you all can forgive me.
and love me for who i was.
